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Life Serial
So here's how it went down.

I got back to Toronto yesterday evening running on one hour of sleep and zero sustenance to find the apartment in disrepair, dauntingly messy, and none of Austin's stuff gone. Since room was supposed to have been made for me to move new furniture in while my mother was in town, I panicked and called Ida, she being the one with the car and money with which to move things. She agreed to help us in the morning, and in the meantime we offered to box up some stuff. We did so, and went to dinner with Dan and Phil.

We came back, and Austin flipped out because we had touched his things. He trash talked my mother to her face, belittled me, and insisted that I acted immaturely by involving our parents in the first place. Oh, and sneered at my admittedly watery eyes. Always pleasant. Well, you know what? Austin has known that he didn't want to live with me since July 26th at the latest. His mother called me on my birthday and hadn't heard anything about about us breaking up, let alone him moving out. So I told her, and informed her that my mother would be calling later with details about when we'd be in town and what needed to be done.

Money's tight, so I asked Austin to just put the $300 he owed me towards August's rent and we'd leave it at that, all debts settled. Since he works right under the apartment, I told him that he could sleep on the couch or whatever until he had things settled, no problem. It is my apartment, though, and I wanted to come home to a comfortable place. YES, I was upset. And instead of discussing it with me, he informed me that I had no legal right to evict him. Not that I was trying to in the first place.

But fair enough. I don't have to deal with this, ok? His rent has been paid, his debt as well, I gave Phil rent up to September to do with as he sees fit, and now I'm going back to California. All of this ridiculous drama isn't worth my time, money, or well being. I'd also like to point out that I got my shit together and out of there in EIGHT HOURS with no car, no one but my mother to help me, and a limited budget. How long did Austin have to not do anything? Hm.

To the ones I didn't get to see, and may not see for quite awhile: I really am sorry. I wish I had more time. If you're ever in California...
To the unmet: Damn! You are attractive, entertaining, and I wanted to flirt with you! If you're ever in California... Seriously though, we may not know each other well, but I'd like to work up to it. Keep in touch. You have no choice!
To Phil: I tried so hard to avoid getting you involved in this mess. I'm saddened that you finally had to be. For the record, no, we weren't going to toss out his stuff and I don't know how that crazy rumour got started. It was all for the best, anyway. I will miss you.
To Daniel: You are worth approx. everything in the world, ever. Possibly the universe. Talking to you for a few minutes felt like a year of therapy. How is it that we never get a chance to hang out, but whenever I'm in town for a brief time it's YOU that keeps me company? I love it!
To Gypsy and Elise: Damn it all, I will visit you the next time you have a break from school if it KILLS me. I now have over $2000 in the bank that I won't be using to buy groceries, transportation, or much else, so it WILL HAPPEN.
To Californians: Haha. I'm coming back. I'm so going to whip the marching band into shape.
To all the restaurants, clubs, and bars I didn't get a chance to explore: Shoot! Goodbye, drinking age!

We're heading to Buffalo tomorrow morning (cheaper to fly and ship when it's not international) and leaving on Tuesday.
I'm not upset about this decision. It's a good one, and it will end well.
And I wouldn't have said a damn thing about all of this nonsense, but I felt I had to give a good reason for why I'm abandoning what was once the city of my dreams.
19 admonitions // surprised?
Indeed. But at least the textile ban has been lifted.

So I'm leaving the house tomorrow morning around 2:00 AM. Daaaamn. Long day ahead of me. I want to get back, but I'm not nearly as eager as I was last year. Due in some part to things there related, obviously, but mostly because I'm finding it harder to leave California this time around. I'm not sure why. I'm already a bit homesick. Maybe because I didn't have quite as much time as I thought I would; I didn't do all that I wanted to do. I didn't spend as much time with people as I intended to. Still, there are people in Toronto that I'm eager to spend time with, too. And classes should be top notch this year. And seriously, redecorated apartment. Awesome.

I have these words chasing around in my brain, but none of them want to be here. Maybe later.
You know, I don't think I'll sleep with my closet doors open ever again.
9 admonitions // surprised?
Two hours after I roll out of bed, and I'm already having a surreal day. First the CCCOE called me like a MILLION TIMES offering me the same substituting job. I need to take myself off that list before I head back to Toronto.
Every time I passed a mirror, I had this odd feeling like my face wasn't right. An unusual expression, or something wrong with the eyes. Of course, about twenty minutes later I realized I had forgotten to put my glasses on. But I assure you it was very unsettling.
Finally, when I was brushing my teeth, I look down into the sink and saw that the drain cover says "PEERLESS". I've just... never noticed that before. Weird.

Maybe when I go to the bank they'll give me a million dollars or something.

Edit: No free money, but two old friends of the family that recognized me and lavished me with attention. Yikes!
2 admonitions // surprised?
Just a few quick pictures. There wasn't a WHOLE lot to see. Aforementioned absense of beauty! Just a whole lotta white. Ha.

I am extremely tired now. And today is packed... I'm going to make dinner for my mother and spend some time with her, but I also plan to attend band camp for at least an hour. And we seem to be sorely lacking in eatables around here.
3 admonitions // surprised?
Guy: Excuse me, are you Irish?
Me: Well, yes.
Guy, to friend: See? I TOLD you she wasn't white.

And then he bought me a Hurricane. High five!

I went to a club with my cousin Tara this evening, and a good time was had. The music was iffy and there was a serious lack of beautiful people, but hey, what else was I going to do on a Tuesday night? I was glad to get the chance to spend some time with her. Pictures on the morrow.
9 admonitions // surprised?
People are callous and baffling.

(my family)
9 admonitions // surprised?
I gave blood today and generally felt good about myself. YES! Hooray for health and free snacks!

James and Katy are coming over today for YET ANOTHER Buffy marathon. Greg agreed to roadtrip with me to Potsdam before school starts. I'm slowly but surely moving up on my waiting list for PSY220. Life is good.

Also, I redid my LJ to hilarious effect.
6 admonitions // surprised?
I made a new friend. His name is Greg, and he's quite awesome. Today was my birthday, and this is what he said:

You know not ONE single ATOM in your entire being will be the same in two years? So what will there be of you? Not ONE Jessica atom.

It made me feel... odd. Nothing of me will remain. When I was 17, I was an entirely different person. I almost can't stand to think of how I was then; I can only do it when I acknowledge the fact that I was different. And in two years, will I be different again? A slow progression until I'm a new Jessica? I more or less like how I am now. I wonder how much life will change me. I wonder if I'll look back and see how foolish I was at the tender age of 19. I'll be able to say, well, all of that is gone now. Every atom of it.
DOES something about me stay the same? The essense of me? Or does every new atom that migrates in bring with it the illusion of sameness? Each particle replacing an old one and imperceptibly changing me?
Which would I prefer?
3 admonitions // surprised?
God, for all of that, I woke up feeling like crap. Today is the first day off I've had in quite a while. I slept well, woke up without an alarm, all of the good stuff. But I dreamed that Austin IM'd me and told me everything was fine. Just never mention it again, and we'd go back to being friends, like we were before. I agreed, and it was like nothing had ever happened. We chatted like old times. He did tell me exactly why he broke up with me, and it was fair, and I moved on.

I think I'd prefer almost anything to losing him so completely like this. I'd prefer never going to Toronto in the first place. I'd prefer rejecting him that first time he kissed me. I'd prefer parting ways with him at the start of the Summer. Anything.
Don't get me wrong, I loved absolutely every part of being with him all those months. That's what makes it hard, really. But was it worth it? For this? For waking up every morning with my heart in my throat, wondering if he's sent me word on anything yet? Hell, for wondering if Phil will ever approach me the same way again? Every day that goes by without hearing from them hurts a little more.

I have so many good friends. Close ones, even. But Austin was the one I trusted with everything. He -is- the one. And now that that's gone, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's a lonely feeling.
6 admonitions // surprised?